Ten Completely Obnoxious Reasons Why Yahoo is Doomed

By Steve Bryant  |  Posted 2006-11-27 Print this article Print

The Journal published a leaked memo from Yahoo that reveals mismanagement and confusion in the ranks. Poor company has lost its way. Maybe it's time to change the exclamation point after the logo to an interrobang?

Speaking of grammar, WTF is up with Brad Garlinghouse's prose? There are enough hackneyed aphorisms, tired analogies and generally obtuse English in the ol' boy's memo that he must have been raised on a pre-verbal diet of football chants, taco bell commercials and antiseptic MBA newspeak:

  1. Last Thursday's NY Times article was a blessing in the disguise of a painful public flogging. While it lacked accurate details, its conclusions rang true, and thus was a much needed wake up call. But also a call to action.
    Mix metaphors much, Borat? I believe the call you're looking for is "clarion call," also known as stock price.

  2. We are charting a course for fundamental change, our current course and speed simply will not get us there. Short-term band-aids will not get us there.
    Does it make any sense that he's fixing a boat with a band-aid? Of course not. But why make sense when you can make love. Chica bow wow.

  3. Be part of the solution rather than part of the problem
    Where have I seen this axiom before? Oh yeah, p. 237 of the Clinical Handbook for Couple Therapy.

  4. I've heard our strategy described as spreading peanut butter across the myriad opportunities that continue to evolve in the online world.
    You had me at "spreading." But really, this sentence -- peanut butter? evolution? -- makes about as much sense as Picasso on an acid sandwich.

  5. It forces decisions by committee or consensus and discourages the innovators from breaking the mold... thinking outside the box.
    Like you did with this sentence, Captain avant-garde?

  6. There's a reason why a centerfielder and a left fielder have clear areas of ownership.
    Because they don't think outside the box? No wait, because they're in the boxes! But what are boxes doing on a baseball field? I'm confused.

  7. Our brand is synonymous with the Internet.
    If by that you mean "a series of tubes," yes.

  8. It is my strong belief that we need to act very quickly or risk going further down a slippery slope.
    Which, as we've all seen, leads to an uncharted course rife with band-aids, mold, peanut butter and couples therapy.

  9. My belief is that the smoothly spread peanut butter needs to turn into a deliberately sculpted strategy -- that is narrowly focused.
    You're a moron.

  10. So let's get back up. Catch the balls. And stop eating peanut butter.
    I swear I saw a promo for that on Fleshbot.

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