A Thousand Points of Google

By Ben Charny  |  Posted 2006-03-21 Print this article Print

The Google War of 2025 is catalyzed later this year when Sergey Brin and Larry Page have a brilliant new advertising idea.

As Brin so-famously soon roars, "Why are there games on the back of a Cheerios cereal box when there could be a car ad?"

Advertising absolutely everywhere becomes Google's new motto.

It pulls the trigger on a few test runs that mystify, but delight, the public. To mask its ambitions, Google concocts its own brand of Google Habanero Sauce. Other than "Google Does Evil" that's stamped on the bottle, it's completely covered with ads.

Satisfied, Google partners with scores of manufacturers, and "Ads by Google" appear on cereal boxes, bread loaf wrappers, milk cartons, boxes of pasta....

Brin and the rest of Google grow restless, even though they have a runaway hit to please the stock holders.

Their favorite topic of conversation becomes"ad-supported wholesale." The theory is Google could use its ad revenues to subsidize the price of groceries, undercut competitors and become even more of a hit.

"Bring ad-support to cheese," Brin emails partner Larry Page.

But there's a big problem: none of the wholesalers Google's dealing with are buying into the idea. Too much, way too much, of a risk for them, they say.

Undeterred, Brin comes up with another plan: build a global wholesale operation from scratch. He convinces the Google board that if Google actually owned the product, nobody could stand in the way of ad-supported wholesale.

First, Google buys both top U.S. ground and air delivery companies, for the delivery infrastructure.

Then it buys Kraft Foods, Inc. The Kraft brand is replaced by 'Google Fresh'; the prices are 25 percent less than the products next to them on store shelves.

The former Fed-Ex/DHL trucks can't arrive quick enough to keep in stock the Google-branded, advertising-covered cans of syrupy peaches, boxes of crackers, salamis with mortgage brokers listed on their casings.

After a few years, Google ultimately gets the hang of operating as a full-fledged global wholesaler. Its cash on hand bursts at the seams.

By 2012, helped immensely by the proceeds of a gigantic stock offering, Google goes for the kill. It buys the retailer Wal-Mart.

Soon there's dozens of Google products filling all these Wal-Mart stores. Google dish washers, (spin, search, rinse) Google Dial, a home/cell/Internet phone and service, Google home furnishings, bathroom mats with those familiar Google colors.

But there's still pressure from stock holders. In 2015, after expressing his belief Google has conquered the business world, Sergey Brin declares Google its own country.

The global community exists exclusively on the Internet, so there's no taxes, no central government of any kind. Rather, policies are voted upon by Google Account holders, making it the ultimate democracy.

People renounce their citizenship in droves. Municipal and national tax support evaporates. Streets are unrepaired, police services disappear, trade wars start to keep alive any remaining revenue sources.

As commentators had warned, a radical, anti-Google movement emerges from the ruined cities. The global parliament is soon dominated by OgleO, an extremist anti-Google group. War is declared against Google on July 17, 2025.

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