Yahoo: Be My Valentine

There’s nothing like a lover scorned. Microsoft wants to be the beau, but Yahoo is playing hard to get. Stalker Microsoft plans a shotgun wedding. We think this matchup can only lead to divorce or, worse, domestic violence. Besides, it would be a Microsoft marriage for money, not love.

Yahoo’s white knight has muscle, but we’re not sure News Corp. is cut out to take on Microsoft. But the “hookup” would allow Yahoo to remain independent without getting married. The companies would share some assets but keep separate bank accounts.

Yahoo would be the suitor in any AOL matchup. Sorry, but AOL’s dial-up business is terminally ill. Yahoo can barely manage its own problems, let alone take on the burden of something as sick as AOL. Our advice: Yahoo shouldn’t run from Microsoft into the arms of sickly AOL.

There’s never going to be a Google-Yahoo marriage. The two are too closely related, and so the cops (EU and U.S. trustbusters) would never allow such an unholy union. But Google and Yahoo could hook up. Problem: Google would ask a lot of Yahoo-

Narcissism and sleeping around are overrated. We suppose that Yahoo could cobble together enough outside private equity investors to hold back Microsoft’s advances. But Yahoo would need lots of lovers to keep its independence. Sleeping around would be bad for Yahoo’s reputation and perhaps its health. A Microsoft union would be better.

It’s the match made in heaven. If Amazon isn’t courting Yahoo, it should. Their personalities and personal assets are quite complementary. An Amazon-Yahoo union could be long-lasting and fruitful. We can’t wait to see the offspring this marriage would produce.