Plans You Can Put Stock In

Gee, I guess we've bought all the PCs and workstations we'll ever need.

Gee, I guess weve bought all the PCs and workstations well ever need. How else can you explain the unceremonious butt-kicking Wall Street has given the computer stocks in the last two months? Apple, Dell, Hewlett-Packard, Compaq and now Gateway are all reeling from slumping sales after years of pumping out boxes as if they were printing money. But quicker than you can say "Moores Law," those sales have dried up. With NASDAQ tanking, these companies, as well as their suppliers, Intel and AMD, are in need of new business plans—stat. And Im just the guy to give them to them:

Compaq: Hires the best operating system developers from Microsoft, including NT creator David Cutler; changes name to Digital Equipment Corp. and makes a go of it in the VAX market again.

HP: Capitalizing on the popularity of its CEO Carly Fiorina and her nonstop profiles in the media, turns Fiorina into a cottage industry. Carly dolls, Carly books, Carly fragrances, Carly on the Home Shopping Network hawking Carly merchandise.

Apple: Undeterred by the downturn, Steve Jobs augments the Cube computer line with the Salt and Pepper Shaker computer, the Toaster Oven computer and the retro "Computer" computer—in basic beige, of course.

Dell: Needing to increase volume, decides the direct model isnt direct enough. Dell acquires Krispy Kreme shops and offers PCs as well as doughnuts and coffee. With every box of a dozen, Dell will throw in a free server.

Gateway: Gets out of the computer business altogether; buys up the Bed, Bath & Beyond retail chain and sells nothing but cow-patterned boxes, bins, linens and housewares. The stores will be called Just Cows.

Intel and AMD: Decide to merge, creating a monopoly in the microprocessor market and crushing competitors Transmeta and Broadcom, who eventually team up to hire David Boies to file an antitrust lawsuit. Bill Gates gets to testify for the defense.

Scot Petersen

Scot Petersen

Scot Petersen is a technology analyst at Ziff Brothers Investments, a private investment firm. Prior to joining Ziff Brothers, Scot was the editorial director, Business Applications & Architecture,...